How Business is Done in Azeroth

World of Warcraft is an exciting and expansive game. In it, you can find gnomes who fancy themselves as mighty gods, striking down the weak and underleveled. You can find walking cows who devote their lives to the healing of others. You can also find Night Elves who spend most of their free time naked in a dark corner of the Deeprun Tram. In short, World of Warcraft allows players to do anything they want.

We at vs Predator are always looking for new ways to see Azeroth and beyond through new eyes. Half of us rolled Death Knights, but some of us started characters that are quickly becoming my favorite class: Bank Alts.

What is a Bank Alt? I have no idea. Apparently people eventually compile so much money and material goods, that they are forced to distribute their wealth among several other characters. Personally, I think it sounds a little like communism. But I saw a bunch of people who seemed cool talk about their Banks Alts, so we decided to take banking to a whole new level.

Meet Creditdotcom. He is single, balding, and has trouble peeing, but only at night. He has an office in Ironforge that is famous for having the world’s largest keyhole.

Dwarvish on the desk reads: Stoutheart’s Whiskey Tavern. We would change it, but we don’t think anyone can read dwarvish anymore.

Ah, my sole companion in this concrete jungle, Bankknight. Did you know he used to be dead? But he betrayed his master to live the life of an executive. His life story is very similar to the plot of Varsity Blues.

But where do we start? Did Donald Trump just start building a duplex and ended up with a tower? Did Marlon Brando yell Tennessee Williams quotes at pedestrians for years until he became Jor-El? Together, Bankknight and I explored Ironforge until we discovered a curious phenomenon: between the bank and the auction house, people of all races and classes gathered to do business, as if it were a designated area. Ironforge’s Wall Street. We went to work.

Finally, after days of building our rep on the streets, a potential client whispers me! I have to be polite, professional, and honest. I don’t want to lose this man.

Adam! Adam from Blizzard’s In-Game Security Task Force, an elite assembly of E-Security badasses who refer to themselves only as Rattlesnake! I know I am on dangerous ground. Adam is notorious for his rampant punishments and bans throughout the World of Warcraft community. Throughout his career, he has banned three of my own friends for not /bowing to him on the streets of Stormwind, Onyxia for being a bitch, and every single dwarf rogue.

While I am fairly certain I am in the right, I am terrified by this man’s power. What will become of my guildmates when I’m gone? Would they survive? Would a dragon come and eat them? Who would manage our funds and assets? At this point, I must choose my next words carefully. I know that making Blizzard Employee Adam, aka “Ratpoison,” angry could easily cause an escalating series of catastrophic events that could only end in the destruction of Thunderlord, the best server in the world.*

I send this message to Adam along with a prayer to God. I hope he, by he I mean Adam, buys this lie, because I am swiftly running out of ideas. I think about fleeing back to Northshire Abbey, but the thought dissipates in the Ironforge wind as I realize that I do not know my way out of this concrete jungle. I am in too deep.

Though I am shivering at the keyboard, I must keep up my appearance as a gruff and tough trader of all things not bound to a soul. When situations like this arise, you have to keep your cool or else you lose everything: Business Making 101. We are making business. We are doing well, thank you. And we are not in a recession!

Adam must have left to get his Big Bad Banning Banner out of his closet to cover me in shame. I must do what business I can before he returns. Luckily, Necromanger arrives on my front door. Though I am confused by what a Necromanger is (A feeding trough for dead horses? Maybe he means Necromanager and wants me to provide my services to his dead clients?), I continue professionally and courteously.

But Ratadampoison returns! Perhaps if I feign ignorance of this game, he will forgive me.

The manager of the dead returns to me after checking my credentials. I can tell he is impressed.

To his office? At this suggestion, I urinate myself in fear, but remain in my chair out of sheer curiosity. He is Adam, Blizzard Employee and member of the In-Game Security Squad. What do you think his office will be like? I expect it to be stunning. I expect it to make my computer explode. I expect it to make me want to cancel my account at the thought of never having another chance to see it.

My disappointment with Adam far outweighs my fear of his power. Tomorrow I may be banned, but today I am a successful executive, looking down at the peasants who toil and labor in their physical tasks of collecting pelts that come off wolves and boots that fall off dragons. I am a Bank Alt, and I have survived this concrete jungle.